you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
