my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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