I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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