There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
