you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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