this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
