I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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