My sheets look like a crime scene.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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