Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize