I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
