By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
