just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
