You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
