I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
