I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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