it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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