I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
