The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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