so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
