can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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