Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
