I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
