Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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