CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
