Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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