After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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