you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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