If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
