U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
