The maid of honor just puked.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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