I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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