Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
