I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
