Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
