i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
