i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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