We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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