My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
