I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
