Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
