last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
