The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I will pee on everything he values.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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