if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
