meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize