My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
