Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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