She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
