DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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