I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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