I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
