dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
