Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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