Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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