i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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