that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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