Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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