omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
