I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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