I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize
