I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
